Connected

"If you complete the journey to your own heart, 

you will find yourself in the heart of  

 everyone else."

Magnus

If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,

we should give thanks that the end had magnitude. 

- Jack Gilbert

Beyond Choice

Upon thinking about my state in life, I've come to conclude that the best thing to do is to settle the stirring, to find a steady current and construct a routine, build from there, rebelling when I must against said structure in order to stay sane.  If this is how I best operate, then why not be subject to it?

Here's the kicker - I don't want that life; at least not yet.  I don't want to feel like I'm feigning control of my day, because that's all people seem to clothe themselves in, this idea that they have a handle on anything.  I pride myself on my  willingness to think the opposite, on my leanings toward experiential living, on riding and being the wind, on walking to the maniacal drumbeat of my spirit in spite of mandate or convention.  I've found that while yes structure often makes me more productive, mad growth only happens on the move.

Soo...if I've come to understand anything it's this: I have to bridge the two ways.  Build a frame when I must, but keep the catapult ever-taut and loaded.  The paradox of security does not need to keep me captive, and while it is folly to reject steady growth, it's also blindness to think that's all there is.  A boat needs both sail and rudder, and while you cannot always trust your hand, you also cannot wait forever for the winds to change.  Faith and action my friends - just don't sacrifice the life you wish to live while you're too busy either frantically building or patientily waiting. Know the relation between the two, and weed through the in-between.  Treacherous balance, I know.

The only way to gather focus, discipline, or cohesion, to grow in relation to the spirit, is to own the choices you make, to lean in, to want the change that is happening, and when the door opens: to fight for a life that feeds itself, crowbar in tow.  Whatever works best for you, ride it, but always beyond itself, for the method of the moment is never the point, only a tool is.  Is your toolbox stocked?

In living a transient lifestyle that basically forces me to be reactive to my situation (adaptability is something I'm rather exceptional at, but also a source of compounding friction in my life) I must learn to harness my direction, must either seize or yield to the movement, and learn through momentary awareness.  If it's truly about the order of exploration, then I must listen to the track in play, and sing loud as I seek the soul of the moment, whether aloft or stuck.  I won't tread confidently elsewhere until I do.

And here's what this leaves me with:
I NEED TO BE MORE AWARE OF WHAT MY CHOICES MEAN.
The choice to not drink tonight or to run 3 miles tomorrow at 5am is not the end of the matter; it isn't the point.  What lies behind the act?  Steps reverberate beyond themselves, and we must move with purpose, even as we wander or drift, for the meaning is everywhere.  I must live beyond the choice, beyond the action, into what it means to the full scope in my consciousness, while not un-tethering from the very real now.  Again, treacherous balance. Awareness, in many forms, must be befriended.  I will not live my life any one way, but rather bend and flow in the current, always poised to allow people and places to affect my path.

What is the sea telling me?

What about my vessel has led me exactly here?

............

“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul, if either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.” - Gibran

The Dust Settles

"Settle" is a loaded term, associated somehow with defeat.  In fact, a good number of people today will cringe when they even hear the word.  But what's the heart of this idea?  Why the repulsion? Are we ravenous for control? Revolted by the thought of throwing in the towel?  Smitten with the notions of what we want life to be like and allergic to anything in opposition to that vison?  What is it to settle?

Good ole' Ed Poe wrote a story that touches on settling, about a sailor and a sinking ship.  Not in a way that you might immediately associate with the term, but in a way that advocates leaning in to what we may be avoiding.  Perhaps the answer is tucked away beneath the placid waters of our day.

In Descent into the Maelstrom, Poe's sailor learns an 'insane lesson in chaos management.'  As he spins wildly toward his doom, flailing in the midst of one of the most monstrous whirlpools you can fathom, our sailor lands on a wonderful thought: He cannot fight the chaos, nor can he conquer it.

And then something happens. Once the sailor "settles," once he gives in and steps back and peers on the mad beauty of it all, he finds a sort of union with the chaos.  He gains new eyes, noticing that certain objects aren't exactly sinking.  He begins to hone in on the poetic, yet orderly, destruction around him.  Beauty becomes the only way out. That and latching himself to a sizable barrel.

The lesson, I gather, is that finding an order to things is not the same as control: in fact, the Maelstrom cannot be controlled and neither can the madness of our days. Escape is possible only through joining in the chaos on its own terms, leaning in and letting go.  That's when you start to see. 

We settle when we say, 'I choose this because I might as well,' or "nothing better is coming along, so hey..." but settling itself is never a true possibility, because change is inevitable and we're always swept away again amidst the chaos, no matter where we sit.  Sure, some people sit longer and own their lot, say "this is my life."  But are they really content with it, or are they, in fact, still unsettled?

Contentment comes more from a sense of peace with the reality of a situation, enjoying your place for what it is in space and time, but open enough to know that change is afoot, and ready at the helm when those winds do come.  I'd rather be at peace with my lot than put stock in the notion that I've "settled."  You can choose your words as you wish.

A point: You should never knock contentment or happiness that sneaks up on you; you may just have found a good thing, so lean into it.  It's a surprise, I'm sure, to find a dash of joy in an arena you've been avoiding, or one you never saw in the cards, but it would be folly to push it away once you've bloomed to it.  You need to continue to strive and grow, and your path will certainly be dictated by where you "settle" and what you can learn there.  You should also understand that your original desires will evolve and guide you out of your current state.

Change is the only constant, and you will be guided forward, willingly or holding onto the floor. Your choice.  Be that down the street or otherwheres, have faith in the unfolding of your story.

I went hiking a few weeks back and felt a good shift happen.  Flooded in a series of epiphanies, I think I re-found myself, oddly at peace with the woods.  As the old hymnal goes:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Keep holding true, my friends.  If nothing else, be content that you are part of life, and find joy - wherever you are - in bearing witness to it.